Tainted Saints

NEW YORK—Observers from around the world report that they were inspired and moved by America’s most recent attempt to hold a public election in accordance with the standards of a democratic republic.

 ”After all of the recriminations, infighting, and general madness before the election, the people of this fractured nation still found the courage to show up at the polls,” said Anas Salman, an Afghan U.N. official who was in New York during the American electoral experiment. “More than half of America’s citizens—a large portion of them women—made a valiant attempt to choose their own leader, even though there was no guarantee their votes would be counted. It was truly inspirational.” [more...]

OLYMPIA, WA—With random cries of “Enough is enough,” “Do something now,” and “Huh?” thousands of the nation’s biggest morons descended on Washington State this week, some 3,000 miles from their intended destination of the nation’s capital.

The march, which had no discernable goal or message, and no official organizers, began at approximately 8:45 a.m. in front of what the morons called the National Mall, but was actually the courtyard outside the Olympia Public Library…

From The Onion’s Op-Ed page…

“Executives from the Shell Oil Company blasted a floundering, oil-covered sea otter Monday, accusing the small aquatic mammal of grossly exaggerating the effects of last week’s hazardous petroleum spill.”

Just a little levity, folks…