Tainted Saints

#10:  Four Or Five Guys Pretty Much Carry Whole Renaissance

#9:  Fire, Setting Everything In Sight On Fire Discovered

#8:  Industrial Revolution Provides Millions Of Out-Of-Work Children With Jobs

#7:  Rat-Shit-Covered Physicians Baffled By Spread Of Black Plague

#6:  Dinosaurs Sadly Extinct Before Invention Of Bazooka

#5:  Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World

#4:  Duane Takes Off Owing Roommates 1,300 Bucks

#3:  Woman Domesticated

#2:  Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of ‘Friendster’ Civilization

#1:  Evolution Going Great, Reports Trilobite

WASHINGTON—Amid continued reports detailing the CIA’s use of loud music to torture detainees at Guantánamo Bay, pop-culture elitists from across the country gathered in the nation’s capital Monday to protest the uninspired song selections employed in the brutal treatment of inmates.

“To remain silent about the abhorrent methods used to interrogate alleged enemy combatants would be a betrayal of the ideals we hold most dear,” said New Yorker music critic Sasha Frere-Jones, a spokesperson for the loose coalition of music snobs. “I mean, ‘Enter Sandman,’ from Metallica’s 1991 self-titled album? Really? Not to say there isn’t some classic stuff on the torture playlist, but even my 12-year-old nephew would choose something a little more unexpected than Nine Inch Nails to shatter an utterly demoralized man’s already tenuous grip on reality.”

“They could have at least picked an excerpt from Dream Theater’s A Change Of Seasons EP to play at 120 decibels for 14 hours a day,” Frere-Jones continued. “If I were handcuffed to a chair with something as tired as Tupac’s ‘Keep Ya Head Up’ blasting in my face, I’d probably pass out from boredom, despite the painful sleep deprivation stress positions.” [more...]

OLYMPIA, WA—With random cries of “Enough is enough,” “Do something now,” and “Huh?” thousands of the nation’s biggest morons descended on Washington State this week, some 3,000 miles from their intended destination of the nation’s capital.

The march, which had no discernable goal or message, and no official organizers, began at approximately 8:45 a.m. in front of what the morons called the National Mall, but was actually the courtyard outside the Olympia Public Library…

From The Onion’s Op-Ed page…

Just a little levity, folks…